Let me tell you a little about our house. Our house is a big house about 100 years old and has several issues. It not a perfect house but it is a good house. One major issue is it does not have a yard to speak of. I would really like a house with a nice big back yard. In our house we have many different people living here that come from all walks of life. There is my wife, Tiffany. Her two boyfriends Eric and Zaq. Our friend Kat and then Tiff's and my kids, and then Me. So eight people live here. For the most par everyone in the household is kink friendly. I am as well to a point but, not so much as everyone else. I think I am just more reserved, though Tiff says I am just a prude. We are raising the kids to be more open minded and things go alright. Smoth as possible with eight people living together. Things are good.
Then why am I always so depressed and uncomfortable. Almost every conversation will have some sort of sexual remarks or innuendo thrown into it. We cant sem to carry on a normal conversation without it coming into play. Tiff asked me last night if it wasnt the same when I was in the military. I thought about it and yes to a point thier was sexual connotations and innuendos told in the conversations, but the more i thought about it, the more I realized that this only occured with certian people. Most of the friends I had in the military, didnt care one way or another. We could have conversations without it becoming sexual, or having sexual innuendos thrown in. I miss that. Hoever do to the fact that it all makes me uncomfortable many of the pople in the house dont talk around me, or really even to me that much, another thing that is ok I guess.
I do feel like an outsider though. In my own house I feel like I am the one intruding on someone elses life. I sometims have to knock before going into my own room. I try to give everyone thier own space, and maybe that is part of the problem. I dont even have a real honest to goodness relationship with my wife anymore becuase I always feel I have to walk on eggshells, so as not to offend anyone, plus with my desire to transition fully to a woman. I feel like I am just another one of the roommates in the house. Maybe I am maybe I am not. I dont really know anymore.
The public Library was having a book sale yesterday. a bag of books for a dollar. One of the books I got was an astrology book. I am a Leo. I was reading to Tiff about the Leo's and I kinda had to laugh becuase none of it was true. Tiff and I talked about it after I finished reading it and she says that most of it was true when we first got together. She says it is no longer true aanymore as I have changed alot. For one thing I have gotten alot more cynical. For toI am not as outgoing and as social as I used to be. I know most people have thier issues and dont really wanny read about mine, but it does seem to help. I just write and express what I am feeling, I jump around, and swich subject, but that is just becuase I am typing whats on my mind. I think of this as kind of an online journal. Some days I feel good and somedays I dont.
Tiff has been going through her own issues lately as I mentioned in a previous post. One her boyfriend's Eric may be leaving soon. Moving back up near St Louis. . Another issues is money. We are dead broke and I dont start my new job until May 13th. and we have bills to pay and hardly any money to pay them. The roomamtes/boyfriends chip in and help some, but they need thier money as well. Tiff has also applied for several jobs after an incident at her old job where one of the employees was emotionally abusing te children, and she stood up for the children and ended up losing hr job becuase of it. She worked for a residential facility for children that had been abused and taken from thier homes. These children all have a lot of emotional burdens they will carry around for life. Tiff did her best to try and ease those burdens while she was there. She feels like she is being punished for trying to uphold her ethics, morals, and values, at what seems like the expense of her family. She applied for one job and really got her heart set on it and they kept saying that she had the job and that they just needed to finalize some stuff. Today she found out that she may not have the job at all that she was just being led on.
I know it is not my fualt on this but I still feel guilty that there is nothing I can do to make her feel any better. The best thing I can do I feel is just give her space. This is depressing for me as well though becuase I dont like seeing her down in the dumps either. I have at least gotten used to feeling down about life, but I hate seeing her that way and knowing there isnt anything I can do about it. I really have to wonder why cant life be easy. I know most people will say that we are being tested and that it only makes us stronger. I think it does make us stronger in a way but it also makes us more cynical, jaded, or bitter. That's just my opinion though. We will get through this we always do find a way but Lord help me I really wish it was in your grans plan to make the test a little bit easier, at least for a while. "The rich get richer while the poor get poorer," and "you cant change your social class unless you marry upwards" are two saying that I really ambeginnining to believe more and more now. I used to think you could change anything, but i realize the only way to do that is to be given the oppurtunity, on top of hard work. I can manage the hard work part, but I can never seem to get the oppurtunity. Welll I should be finishing up my degree soon and hopefully I will be able to mave up and get a job making the money to support my family as well as to pay the medical bills for transitioning. I dont hold a lot of hope for it anymore, but if I lose all hope, then I might as well lay down and die right. Well I am not one of those people who can just lay down and die.
I will post again later this week.
And feel free to visit my website Kylie's Transition
Monday, April 29, 2013
Friday, April 26, 2013
Catching up
Sorry I have not written in a couple of days I will try to catch things up.
Well on Wednesday I got called back by Teletech. I got the job, I will be working with the Weight Watchers client. Lol. I know I need to watch my weight anyways. I will start over at teletech on May 13th, a week before the kids get out of school. It doesn't pay very much but at least it is a job. I am also going to try to find something through Penmac as well and maybe find an office job that pays just a little bit more.
Mage our Family cat that I got for Tiffany as a present when we moved out here to Missouri died the other day. R.I.P Mage. We had, had him for approximately four years. He just quit wanting to live I guess. About two weeks ago or so, Mage had a urinary tracked blocked. I guess it is common in male cats. The issue was his urine had crystallized and he couldn't urinate. We4 ended up taking him to the vet and they got him all taken care of. Well when we brought him home after that he refused to eat or drink anything. We called the vet back and asked advice from them and they told us to try wet food, and maybe microwave it a few moments to make it smell bad. Cats like to eat things that smell the vet told us. So we tried that. We also tried mixing wet and dry food, we tried everything we could think of to get him to eat so Wednesday night i tried to open his mouth and give him some food they way we gave him his pills from the vet and he bit me. His teeth went right through my fingernail and the pad on my pointer finger. Yep it hurt. He spit out the food. he was still to weak to really move and just laid on the ground twitching. So Tiff, Eric, and Zaq took Mage out to Zaq's parent farm and laid him to rest thier. Meanwhile i was watching the kids who were really upset as well. We promised them we would get a new kitty, and Brighton and Serenity get to name it. That was basically the big happenings on Wednesday.
Thursday we didnt really do all that much, except I had to go take a drug test for my new job at teletech so i drank like 3 16 oz things of water until I had to pee really, really badly. I then raced up to the Family Medical walk in clinic to pee. that sucked becuase I really had to go pee and i couldn't until they finished all the paperwork. I finally was able to go pee and i think I could have filled up three of those little cup things. Other than that, Tiff, Zaq, Eric, and I sat around playing Minecraft on the Xbox 360 all day. it was a pretty uneventful day.
Once I start getting some money in I will start seeing the therepist at Tranquil Waters Wellness center. I hope to have more to blog about then. In the meantime just posting about day to day stuff and what has been going on in my life
Feel Free to visit my website as well
Kylie's Transition
Well on Wednesday I got called back by Teletech. I got the job, I will be working with the Weight Watchers client. Lol. I know I need to watch my weight anyways. I will start over at teletech on May 13th, a week before the kids get out of school. It doesn't pay very much but at least it is a job. I am also going to try to find something through Penmac as well and maybe find an office job that pays just a little bit more.
Mage our Family cat that I got for Tiffany as a present when we moved out here to Missouri died the other day. R.I.P Mage. We had, had him for approximately four years. He just quit wanting to live I guess. About two weeks ago or so, Mage had a urinary tracked blocked. I guess it is common in male cats. The issue was his urine had crystallized and he couldn't urinate. We4 ended up taking him to the vet and they got him all taken care of. Well when we brought him home after that he refused to eat or drink anything. We called the vet back and asked advice from them and they told us to try wet food, and maybe microwave it a few moments to make it smell bad. Cats like to eat things that smell the vet told us. So we tried that. We also tried mixing wet and dry food, we tried everything we could think of to get him to eat so Wednesday night i tried to open his mouth and give him some food they way we gave him his pills from the vet and he bit me. His teeth went right through my fingernail and the pad on my pointer finger. Yep it hurt. He spit out the food. he was still to weak to really move and just laid on the ground twitching. So Tiff, Eric, and Zaq took Mage out to Zaq's parent farm and laid him to rest thier. Meanwhile i was watching the kids who were really upset as well. We promised them we would get a new kitty, and Brighton and Serenity get to name it. That was basically the big happenings on Wednesday.
Thursday we didnt really do all that much, except I had to go take a drug test for my new job at teletech so i drank like 3 16 oz things of water until I had to pee really, really badly. I then raced up to the Family Medical walk in clinic to pee. that sucked becuase I really had to go pee and i couldn't until they finished all the paperwork. I finally was able to go pee and i think I could have filled up three of those little cup things. Other than that, Tiff, Zaq, Eric, and I sat around playing Minecraft on the Xbox 360 all day. it was a pretty uneventful day.
Once I start getting some money in I will start seeing the therepist at Tranquil Waters Wellness center. I hope to have more to blog about then. In the meantime just posting about day to day stuff and what has been going on in my life
Feel Free to visit my website as well
Kylie's Transition
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
An Uneventful Day
Today was a pretty uneventful day. This morning it was cold, dreary, and wet. It had started raining at some point during the night. I woke up to the sound of the alarm clock going off. I got up and yelled for the kids to wake up. It usually takes a couple of times for them to actually get up kinda like me. I hate mornings. I have never been much of a morning person. The kids finally got up and got dressed and I took them to school. I first dropped of my middle child, Brighton at his school, then the oldest Novian at his school and last but not least I took my daughter, Serenity to her school. I always go in and talk to her teachers for a few minutes in the morning as well as stay and have snack with Serenity's classmates in the evening. Keep in mind Serenity is in preschool. They are all great kids there. Today after I got home from dropping off the kids at school I came home and checked both my Fetlife account and my Facebook account. Nothing new on either of them I only get a few messages here and there, nothing major. So i then posted in a couple of the groups that I am a member of on each of the sites about my new blog. Trying to get word out about it so that it will increase in popularity as well as educate others out there about the things that I and others like me will go through. I also hope that by increasing knowledge about us, it will also increase acceptance. I have a great group of friends and aquaintences that know and are completely accepting of it, but I know of many others that are shunned and ridiculed about being transgender. My greatest support is my beautiful wife. She is starting up a blog as well to explain about her feelings and thoughts about this whole process as well.
Well to continue on I had a call about a possible job at 10 Am so I went downstairs and started picking up the living room and cleaning the kitchen when my call came in. I listened to the call. it was an hour long presentation about a business called Melaleuca. It was kind of like one of those pyramid schemes. Sign others up and make money off of thier orders type thing. I looked at thier products and they seem to have great products, which i myself might order some of eventually. However at this time I declined to get involved with one of these programs. So I finished washing dishes and cleaning the kitchen up. Then I came back up to the computer and checked my email. Just a bunch of junk email and spam. Go figure. I spent about an hour doing that. At 12 pm I started getting cleaned up for my second job interview at Teletech. I cleaned off the eyeshadow, eyeliner, and mascara that I had on and got cleaned up. Put on my dress pants and a pink dressshirt with a purple tie. and my dress shoes. I brushed out my hair real good and put it back into a ponytail. My interview at Teletech was at 2 pm. Needless to say I did not get to pick up Serenity from school today. Our roommate Zaq picked up both Brighton and Serenity today.
I left the house about 1 pm as I had an errand to run before I went to the interview. I had to drop off some paperwork downtown at the Family Support Divisional Office. I go into the office and there are only about 5 people ahead of me, so i figured I had time to wait in line. it is only about 1:10 pm at this point. So I got in line and was waiting. The office only had two windows open helping people out of four windows. I am waiting in line and I see them both periodically get up and disappear into the back room for minutes at a time. I know this is typical but when you are in a hurry it is extremely frustrating. The would finish helping a person and then instead of calling the next person up they would wait around for what seemed like eternity before calling next. I am sure they were just filing thing in the computer or making notes or something but it still felt like it was forever. I finally got out of there at 1: 37 pm and my 2 pm appointment was all the way across town. I was not sure if I was going to be able to make it to my interview in time. I was trying to drive as quickly as I could ther but it seemed that every slow person driving or every red light would pop up in front of me. I wanted them to move over into the other lane and stay out of my way. I finally got to Teletech about 5 min before I was supposed to be there so I guess I mad good time. I checked in with security there and the security guard told me to have a seat. i sat down and posted a status on Facebook through my phone. No sooner did I finish that then the other applicants and Igot called over to do some assessments on the computer. These were fairly easy as well as fairly standard. You know the ones that ask you to put whether you agree, disagree or are nuetral and so forth on the first one. The second one was fun. it was all about navigating a computer. I am fairly decnt with computers so. And then the third one of course was similation of calls and system navigation. I guess i did pretty good because after that I got to do the interview. The interview was the strangest interview I have ever done. It was through an automated system that read you the questions and recorded your answers. We are going way to much toward automated systems. I finished the interview and then went home. It was pouring down rain rather heavy when I left and by the time I got home it had slowed to a drizzle agian. The kids were all home by the time I got home and boy were they cranky.
Both Serenity and Brighton were whiny. Tiff who is my significant other/wife was making dinner. She had made meatball marinara sandwiches which are very good. She is a divine cook. While she was cooking I folded laundry and put it away. then I got changed, ate dinner and watched a some Adventure time on Netflix. About 5:15 pm we had to get ready to go to the gym, as Brighton, Serenity, and Novian all three have sports classes. Zaq had brought Brighton to his class earlier so we met them there and then took Serenity to her class. I watched Serenity in her gymnastics class and read my book(Path of Daggers in the Wheel of Time series) for a little bit. After Serenity's class was over I brought Brighton and Serenity home while Tiff and Zaq stayed ther waiting for Novian to get done with his karate class. When we got home I got Brighton to lay out his clothes, and Serenity got in the bath, while I wrote this Blog entry.
As you can see it is a pretty uneventful day no different then most other peoples. A transgender whether he or she is a male to female or a female to male is no different. We are all still people with lives and responsibilities as well.
So please feel free to comment, share, and/or follow on this blog.
Also feel free to visit my site as well. It has many resources and I will keep adding more about transgender or for transgender.
Well to continue on I had a call about a possible job at 10 Am so I went downstairs and started picking up the living room and cleaning the kitchen when my call came in. I listened to the call. it was an hour long presentation about a business called Melaleuca. It was kind of like one of those pyramid schemes. Sign others up and make money off of thier orders type thing. I looked at thier products and they seem to have great products, which i myself might order some of eventually. However at this time I declined to get involved with one of these programs. So I finished washing dishes and cleaning the kitchen up. Then I came back up to the computer and checked my email. Just a bunch of junk email and spam. Go figure. I spent about an hour doing that. At 12 pm I started getting cleaned up for my second job interview at Teletech. I cleaned off the eyeshadow, eyeliner, and mascara that I had on and got cleaned up. Put on my dress pants and a pink dressshirt with a purple tie. and my dress shoes. I brushed out my hair real good and put it back into a ponytail. My interview at Teletech was at 2 pm. Needless to say I did not get to pick up Serenity from school today. Our roommate Zaq picked up both Brighton and Serenity today.
I left the house about 1 pm as I had an errand to run before I went to the interview. I had to drop off some paperwork downtown at the Family Support Divisional Office. I go into the office and there are only about 5 people ahead of me, so i figured I had time to wait in line. it is only about 1:10 pm at this point. So I got in line and was waiting. The office only had two windows open helping people out of four windows. I am waiting in line and I see them both periodically get up and disappear into the back room for minutes at a time. I know this is typical but when you are in a hurry it is extremely frustrating. The would finish helping a person and then instead of calling the next person up they would wait around for what seemed like eternity before calling next. I am sure they were just filing thing in the computer or making notes or something but it still felt like it was forever. I finally got out of there at 1: 37 pm and my 2 pm appointment was all the way across town. I was not sure if I was going to be able to make it to my interview in time. I was trying to drive as quickly as I could ther but it seemed that every slow person driving or every red light would pop up in front of me. I wanted them to move over into the other lane and stay out of my way. I finally got to Teletech about 5 min before I was supposed to be there so I guess I mad good time. I checked in with security there and the security guard told me to have a seat. i sat down and posted a status on Facebook through my phone. No sooner did I finish that then the other applicants and Igot called over to do some assessments on the computer. These were fairly easy as well as fairly standard. You know the ones that ask you to put whether you agree, disagree or are nuetral and so forth on the first one. The second one was fun. it was all about navigating a computer. I am fairly decnt with computers so. And then the third one of course was similation of calls and system navigation. I guess i did pretty good because after that I got to do the interview. The interview was the strangest interview I have ever done. It was through an automated system that read you the questions and recorded your answers. We are going way to much toward automated systems. I finished the interview and then went home. It was pouring down rain rather heavy when I left and by the time I got home it had slowed to a drizzle agian. The kids were all home by the time I got home and boy were they cranky.
Both Serenity and Brighton were whiny. Tiff who is my significant other/wife was making dinner. She had made meatball marinara sandwiches which are very good. She is a divine cook. While she was cooking I folded laundry and put it away. then I got changed, ate dinner and watched a some Adventure time on Netflix. About 5:15 pm we had to get ready to go to the gym, as Brighton, Serenity, and Novian all three have sports classes. Zaq had brought Brighton to his class earlier so we met them there and then took Serenity to her class. I watched Serenity in her gymnastics class and read my book(Path of Daggers in the Wheel of Time series) for a little bit. After Serenity's class was over I brought Brighton and Serenity home while Tiff and Zaq stayed ther waiting for Novian to get done with his karate class. When we got home I got Brighton to lay out his clothes, and Serenity got in the bath, while I wrote this Blog entry.
As you can see it is a pretty uneventful day no different then most other peoples. A transgender whether he or she is a male to female or a female to male is no different. We are all still people with lives and responsibilities as well.
So please feel free to comment, share, and/or follow on this blog.
Also feel free to visit my site as well. It has many resources and I will keep adding more about transgender or for transgender.
My Website
Monday, April 22, 2013
Looking for Work
So i have been spending all day looking for work. I have been doing this for the last several weeks now. It is extremely frustrating as I have a family to take care of, as well as trying to save money for the necessary expenses that go with transitioning. I seem to make it to an interview at most places but beyond the interview I cant seem to get hired. i dont know what I am doing wrong. If i am coming off as to needy or something in my attitude or posture is keeping me from getting a job. I just dont know. My significant other and I started talking about it today, because as i said i am getting extremely frustrated. She says that she thinks its my long hair. You see I have been letting my hair grow out for over a hear and it is just beyond shoulder length. I little bit longer than whats in this picture.
I have been wearing suit and tie to the interviews becuase lets face it for now technically i am still a male. Legally anyways. My hair is brushed nice and neat and in a ponytail instead of all over the place. I kind of agree that it is my hair as miost of the jobs I have been looking for are professional businesses. I disagree that the length of your hair should determine whether or not you get a job. I am qualified for all the positions I have applied at. Before when i was applying for a job I would go get my hair cut short and dress in suit and tie and had no problems getting the job. this time though i refused to cut my hair I have been letting it grow out for to long. Now if I had already transitions and was ablke to legally call myself a female I dont think I would have any issue with the long hair. i think society places to much emphasis on gender roles and stereotypes. A male should be clean shaven or if not clean shaven have a well trimed beard or mustache. The should have a firm handshake and be confident. I agree with tthe being confident part. A woman needs to be confident yet shy and demure, as most men might feel threatened by a confident woman. Oh and a woman cant look like a man anymore than a man can look like or dress as a woman. We fall into these gender roles, and I am guilty myself of it, quite naturally. it is more habit than anything anymore. We see something and size it up, judge it and catalog it right away. Lord forbid if it is out of the ordinary or devient. Well i am going to go for now but will post agian later. I apprecate you reading this and hope you will leave comments and visit my webpage I made. I will keep updating that and look forward to any and all feedback. I am kinda new at this blogging thing so
Go to Kylie's transition Webpage
I have been wearing suit and tie to the interviews becuase lets face it for now technically i am still a male. Legally anyways. My hair is brushed nice and neat and in a ponytail instead of all over the place. I kind of agree that it is my hair as miost of the jobs I have been looking for are professional businesses. I disagree that the length of your hair should determine whether or not you get a job. I am qualified for all the positions I have applied at. Before when i was applying for a job I would go get my hair cut short and dress in suit and tie and had no problems getting the job. this time though i refused to cut my hair I have been letting it grow out for to long. Now if I had already transitions and was ablke to legally call myself a female I dont think I would have any issue with the long hair. i think society places to much emphasis on gender roles and stereotypes. A male should be clean shaven or if not clean shaven have a well trimed beard or mustache. The should have a firm handshake and be confident. I agree with tthe being confident part. A woman needs to be confident yet shy and demure, as most men might feel threatened by a confident woman. Oh and a woman cant look like a man anymore than a man can look like or dress as a woman. We fall into these gender roles, and I am guilty myself of it, quite naturally. it is more habit than anything anymore. We see something and size it up, judge it and catalog it right away. Lord forbid if it is out of the ordinary or devient. Well i am going to go for now but will post agian later. I apprecate you reading this and hope you will leave comments and visit my webpage I made. I will keep updating that and look forward to any and all feedback. I am kinda new at this blogging thing so
Go to Kylie's transition Webpage
Sunday, April 21, 2013
My introduction
"I crossdress, and want to live as a woman because it makes me feel finally free. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. And, for what it's worth, does not sexually stimulate me. Granted, I feel moderately sexier, but I don't pop boners when I put on a little makeup.
For years, I put on a façade of being a manly man, quite frankly, to survive junior high and high school. I don't understand fashion, and doubt I ever will. But I feel like an outcast from both genders, unhappy with male styles and appearances, but unable to enter the female counterpart."
borrowed from soraya_elcar's profile
I love reading. My favorite books are The Wheel of Time series by Robert Jordon and The Dresden Files by Jim Butcher. I have many other series that I like as well such as the Deathgate Cycle by Margerat Weis & Tracy Hickman and Anyhing By David Eddings.
I like movies like the labyrinth, the princess bride, willow, braveheart, gladiator and many others though I dont watch horror movies or at least those that are just blood and guts. though I am not keen on any of them at all.
I also am big into Roleplaying games(RPG's)like AD&D, Vampire The Masquarade or Requeim, ShadowRun or Rifts. I play Magic The Gathering Online, and any other Roleplaying Games. I have always wanted to Get involved with a LARP where I could actually dress in Costume as a woman.
I am starting out my transition in a way. I know it is going to be expensive and I am hoping to get help with the cost but i did find a great therepist At Tranquil Waters Counseling and Wellness LLC that if I can get the money together I am going to start seeing. I have not decided if I am going to do the SRS yet, but i do want to start seeing the therepist and possibly starting HRT(Hormone replacement therepy). My family is very supportive of this and has encouraged me to do this. I hope that this will help.
I have also Started a website for those that wish to help me with the transition cost by donating.
Go to Kylie's transition Webpage
For years, I put on a façade of being a manly man, quite frankly, to survive junior high and high school. I don't understand fashion, and doubt I ever will. But I feel like an outcast from both genders, unhappy with male styles and appearances, but unable to enter the female counterpart."
borrowed from soraya_elcar's profile
I love reading. My favorite books are The Wheel of Time series by Robert Jordon and The Dresden Files by Jim Butcher. I have many other series that I like as well such as the Deathgate Cycle by Margerat Weis & Tracy Hickman and Anyhing By David Eddings.
I like movies like the labyrinth, the princess bride, willow, braveheart, gladiator and many others though I dont watch horror movies or at least those that are just blood and guts. though I am not keen on any of them at all.
I also am big into Roleplaying games(RPG's)like AD&D, Vampire The Masquarade or Requeim, ShadowRun or Rifts. I play Magic The Gathering Online, and any other Roleplaying Games. I have always wanted to Get involved with a LARP where I could actually dress in Costume as a woman.
I am starting out my transition in a way. I know it is going to be expensive and I am hoping to get help with the cost but i did find a great therepist At Tranquil Waters Counseling and Wellness LLC that if I can get the money together I am going to start seeing. I have not decided if I am going to do the SRS yet, but i do want to start seeing the therepist and possibly starting HRT(Hormone replacement therepy). My family is very supportive of this and has encouraged me to do this. I hope that this will help.
I have also Started a website for those that wish to help me with the transition cost by donating.
Go to Kylie's transition Webpage
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