Our House

Let me tell you a little about our house. Our house is a big house about 100 years old and has several issues. It not a perfect house but it is a good house. One major issue is it does not have a yard to speak of. I would really like a house with a nice big back yard.  In our house we have many different people living here that come from all walks of life. There is my wife, Tiffany. Her two boyfriends Eric and Zaq. Our friend Kat and then Tiff's and my kids, and then Me. So eight people live here. For the most par everyone in the household is kink friendly. I am as well to a point but, not so much as everyone else. I think I am just more reserved, though Tiff says I am just a prude.  We are raising the kids to be more open minded and things go alright. Smoth as possible with eight people living together. Things are good.
          Then why am I always so depressed and uncomfortable. Almost every conversation will have some sort of sexual remarks or innuendo thrown into it. We cant sem to carry on a normal conversation without it coming into play.  Tiff asked me last night if it wasnt the same when I was in the military. I thought about it and yes to a point thier was sexual connotations and innuendos told in the conversations, but the more i thought about it, the  more I realized that this only occured with certian people. Most of the friends I had in the military, didnt care one way or another. We could have conversations without it becoming sexual, or having sexual innuendos thrown in. I miss that.  Hoever do to the fact that it all makes me uncomfortable many of the pople in the house dont talk around me, or really even to me that much, another thing that is ok I guess.
I do feel like an outsider though. In my own house I feel like I am the one intruding on someone elses life. I  sometims have to knock before going into my own room.  I try to give everyone thier own space, and maybe that is part of the problem. I dont even have a real honest to goodness relationship with my wife anymore becuase I always feel I have to walk on eggshells, so as not to offend anyone, plus with my desire to transition fully to a woman. I feel like I am just another one of the roommates in the house.  Maybe I am maybe I am not. I dont really know anymore.
       The public Library was having a book sale yesterday. a bag of books for a dollar. One of the books I got was an astrology book. I am a Leo. I was reading to Tiff about the Leo's and I kinda had to laugh becuase none of it was true. Tiff and I talked about it after I finished reading it and she says that most of it was true when we first got together. She says it is no longer true aanymore as I have changed alot.  For one thing I have gotten alot more cynical. For toI am not as outgoing and as social as I used to be.  I know most people have thier issues and dont really wanny read about mine, but it does seem to help. I just write and express what I am feeling, I jump around, and swich subject, but that is just becuase I am typing whats on my mind. I think of this as kind of an online journal. Some days I feel good and somedays I dont.
        Tiff has been going through her own issues lately as I mentioned in a previous post. One her boyfriend's Eric may be leaving soon. Moving back up near St Louis. . Another issues is money. We are dead broke and I dont start my new job until May 13th. and we have bills to pay and hardly any money to pay them. The roomamtes/boyfriends chip in and help some, but they need thier money as well. Tiff has also applied for several jobs after an incident at her old job where one of the employees was emotionally abusing te children, and she stood up for the children and ended up losing hr job becuase of it. She worked for a residential facility for children that had been abused and taken from thier homes. These children all have a lot of emotional burdens they will carry around for life. Tiff did her best to try and ease those burdens while she was there. She feels like she is being punished for trying to uphold her ethics, morals, and values, at what seems like the expense of her family. She applied for one job and really got her heart set on it and they kept saying that she had the job and that they just needed to finalize some stuff. Today she found out that she may not have the job at all that she was just being led on.
         I know it is not my fualt on this but I still feel guilty that there is nothing I can do to make her feel any better. The best thing I can do I feel is just give her space. This is depressing for me as well though becuase I dont like seeing her down in the dumps either. I have at least gotten used to feeling down about life, but I hate seeing her that way and knowing there isnt anything I can do about it.  I really have to wonder why cant life be easy. I know most people will say that we are being tested and that it only makes us stronger. I think it does make us stronger in a way but it also makes us more cynical, jaded, or bitter. That's just my opinion though. We will get through this we always do find a way but Lord help me I really wish it was in your grans plan to make the test a little bit easier, at least for a while. "The rich get richer while the poor get poorer," and "you cant change your social class unless you marry upwards" are two saying that I really ambeginnining to believe more and more now. I used to think you could change anything, but i realize the only way to do that is to be given the oppurtunity, on top of hard work. I can manage the hard work part, but I can never seem to get the oppurtunity. Welll I should be finishing up my degree soon and hopefully I will be able to mave up and get a job making the money to support my family as well as to pay the medical bills for transitioning. I dont hold a lot of hope for it anymore, but if I lose all hope, then I might as well lay down and die right. Well I am not one of those people who can just lay down and die.

I will post again later this week.

And feel free to visit my website  Kylie's Transition